Thursday, June 14, 2007

Joke, Joke, Joke

Making Good on Her Promises
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the counter.Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes …

The Cabbie and the Blowjob
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Blowjob That'll Make Her Scream

There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a Filipino guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman. Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.

The black guy goes in a comes out and the woman is laughing, and then the white guy goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.

The Filipino guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the Filipino guy goes "Me filipino, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"

Horrible Road Head Accident
In an appalling blowjob accident, a man had his penis severed when he hit a tree while his wife was giving him a blowjob while he was driving their car.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. He said the cost would be $4,500 for "small", $9,500 for "medium" or $16,000 for "large".The guy thought he'd get a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected."Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

Samu’t Sari:

Q: Anong similarity ng sperm at mayonnaise?
A: Pareho silang galing itlog at parehong Ladies' Choice.
----- oOo -----

At a strip joint, a girl wearing a g-string dances on stage.Japanese hooks Y10,000 to her panty, the American hooks $100,Filipino takes out his credit card and swipes it thru the girl's butt!
----- oOo -----

Chinese: I have 4 wives, one more I have a basketball team.
American: I have 9 wives, one more I have a football team.
Pinoy: I have 17 wives, one more I have a golf course, 18 holes.
----- oOo -----

Dalawang mag-syota are necking while parked sa madilim na lugar sa Ortigas.(First time for him and the nth time for her.) As he kissed her passionately, he slowly placed his hand on her thigh. "I love you," he whispered,( nanginginig pa ang boses)."Higher," she whispered,in anticipation (with buntong-hininga)."I love you," he repeated, in a higher pitch!.

----- oOo -----

Pagkatapos nang date nila, inihatid ni Tony si Tess anticipating a goodnight kiss.
TONY: Salamat sa date, ha? Sana maulit.
TESS: Okey lang, pero since Dutch treat tayo buong gabi, you kiss yourself and I'll kiss myself goodnight.

Bagong kasal si Tina at kinakausap ng Papa niya ang kanyang napangasawang si Tonyo.
PAPA: Bilang manugang ko, bibigyan ko kayo ng malaking halaga upang magamit ninyong puhunan subalit ano naman ang kapalit nito?
TONYO: Bibigyan ho namin agad kayo ng resibo.

----- oOo -----

Q: Bakit mas malakas umutot ang lalaki sa babae ?
A: Dahil may mike sila sa harap !Q: Eh bakit may echo kung umutot ang babae?
A: kasi malapit sa kuweba !

----- oOo -----

Dedicated to Danny
Q: Bakit matamis ang ulo ng kalbo?
A. Eh Kasi panot siya (pronounced panutsa)

----- oOo -----

An alcoholic son's letter to his Dad:

Beer dad,
gin na ko iinom, whisky kelan.Tanduayan mo yan.

Your san,

----- oOo -----

Dedicated to Men
The pinoy interpreter was trying his best to translate what the Filipino witness is saying in a court case:Witness: "Pagkatapos ng kung ano-ano ay nagdatingan ang kung sino-sino!"
Pinoy Interpreter: "After the what-what came the who-who!"

Kahit hirap mag-englis, panay pa rin ang ligaw ni Alfredo sa isang Amerikana:
KANA: I like men who are frank.
ALFREDO: My name is Alfredo, not Frank.

Dedicated to Fr. Efren
Katatapos lang basbasan ng pari ang isang presong nakaupo sa silya-elektrika.
PARI: "Mayroon ka bang nais na hilingin bago ka bawian ng buhay?"
PRESO: "Opo."
PARI: "Ano yon, anak?"
PRESO: "Pwede po bang hawakan n'yo ang kamay ko hanggang bawian ako ng buhay?"
----- oOo -----

KILLER: “Father mangungumpisal po ako.”
PARI: “Ano ba kasalanan mo?”
KILLER: “Pumatay po ako ng 20 tao”
PARI: “Bakit?
KILLER: “Kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po ba naniniwala?
PARI: “Dati, pero ngayon trip-trip na lang.”

At para sa inyong lahat:

Anak: “Inay, meron na pala kayong puting buhok?”
Inay: “Oo anak. At ito’y kagagawan mo. Sa bawa’t mga kalokohan na ginagawa mo ay nagkakaroon ako ng puting buhok.”
Anak” “Ah, kaya pala puti na lahat ng buhok ni lola!”

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