WATCH OUT FOR THE NEXT POSTS

Thanks for the short messages Senyor Joe. It's heartening to know that you still find the time to scribble some notes even when you're dead-tired (oops.... bad words).... when you're exhausted.

I didn't find the time to write posts for the blog and the facebook this weekend. I'll do it within the week. Find out .... WHY WE MISSED SENYOR JOE SO MUCH DURING THE MAKATI GET-TOGETHER..... more than we missed Danny and the rest......

PREMATURE E.... and other X-rated anecdotes of the not-so-wholesome Boboy (not for GP).

....
Last night, Efren Mago and Felino J (is he a relative of Fely J?) called me up. The boys were having a get-together in Maning's place (read as TOMAAN). Boboy was also there. They said (apart from Boboy) that they wished they were present in the Makati-get-together. By the way, they came from JoeC's wake. Joe (his ashes) will be buried today.

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Drive Away Alzheimer's (Part II)

This time, it's from Capt Rudy.

Ed,

Just came back from Dallas.

I have one for you.

He is twice as she was when he is as old as

she is and the sum of their ages were 30.

What are their ages?

Have fun.

Rudy

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Drive Away Alzheimer's

Here's from Ed Canela:

Maray na aga sa indo gabus

I am sure no one will ever try this puzzle in our group…. But I like to share it with you anyway. Na-solve ko kasi, he, he, he. So, no pressure, no deadlines, no prize also. It is just the nice thought that we are still he, he, he. Lots of huggggssssss from Vientiane….

Ed


Subject: Alzheimer prevention puzzle


A good way to prevent Alzheimer is to exercise the mind with a light enough puzzle that is solvable within 15-30 minutes.

Try this:

A military officer, newly arrived at a military facility, forgot the 5-digit access code for a building. The security guard is not authorized to give the access code, only the clues to it.

Here are the clues:

1. The fifth number plus the third number of the access code equals fourteen.
2. The fourth number is one more than the second number.
3. The first number is one less than twice the second number.
4. The second plus the third number equals ten.
5. The total of all the five numbers is thirty.

Have fun!

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Optical Illusion

Look for NINE PEOPLE in the picture!

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A Lawyer's Kindness

(Or so it seemed! With apologies to the lawyer-children of our classmates, and also to Maning..... Abogado)

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too." "But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered. "Bring them as well" replied the lawyer. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."

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Short Management Lessons

I'm sure many of you have come across these management lessons. Funny, hilarious but true. So here, they are again.

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A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story : To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

They're packed with nutrients."The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story : Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

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Awesome Translations Part II

More of the funny signs from Bing.


How do you do?
Translation: "no parking on bicyclists at any time"
Thank you for open!
One lump or two?

I wouldn't dare...We really never know what kind.
Ouch!
Got too many kids?


plenty of meat for everybody.


I told gramps to use protection..

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Bible Study Humor

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'<>


GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'



! DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on theArk?'
'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'


HIGHER POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'



MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday Sc hool.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue missi! on to l ead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'
; 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked
'Wel! l, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'



THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to l earn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the P! salm.&n bsp; After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.



BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'



UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'
; Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'



TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.
'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'



ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.'

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'

Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'



SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

__._,_.___

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Geriatric Laughs

This came from Bing C-H.

Dai pa man garo kita arog kaini ano? Although I can relate with the third one. There was a time when I wanted to borrow the cellphone of my nephew's wife so I can upload the pictures she took into my computer. She went out of their room to go to the bathroom. I couldn't call her. Blanko bigla, I can't remember her name. Until she went out of the bathroom and returned to their room, I wasn't able to call her.

I had my worse senior moments though - I wanted to withdraw some money but left after getting back my ATM card and without waiting for the money to come out of the machine. This happened twice. Luckily, the third time, I still heard the sound of the machine when I turned my back. So I hurriedly went back to get the money.

Twice, I also experienced forgetting my PIN number after inserting my ATM card into the machine. Once, my card was blocked because I entered the wrong PIN number thrice.....

But while I tend to be forgetful, I can still develop some MS Access programs at my age. So, dai pa man garo Alz... memory gap pa lang.

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An elderly gentleman... had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
_____________________________________________________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
"I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a new born baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen . The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!
"Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
__________________________
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

"A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
___________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."
_____________________________

One more. . !

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
________________________________________________

It's never worthwhile,Pack up your troubles in your old kitbag,And smile, smile, smile!

George Asaf

_________________________________________________
HAVE A NICE DAY

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Price Per Gallon of Computer Printer Ink

This one is from Ed Canela:
All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
You will be really shocked by the last one!!!!
(At least, I was...)

Compared with Gasoline......
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29…..$10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59..... $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25........ $10.00 per gallon


Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15........ $33.60 per gallon
Vick's NyQuil 6 oz $8.35…. $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99….$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap?
So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................
You won't believe it...................
But it is true.........................
$5,200 a gal lon!!! (five thousand two hundred dollars)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!

And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!

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Dedicated to Class 67 ladies and honorary members

This is dedicated to the ladies of dps-class 67, and honorary members, Marie and Ineng. They have all been very silent lately... must be very busy. Take a few minutes break and enjoy this post.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

BEHIND A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN
IS HERSELF

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER
IN HOT WATER

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN
ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW
TO COMBINE MARRIAGE
AND A CAREER

COFFEE, C HOCOLATE, MEN.
SOME THINGS ARE JUST
BETTER RICH

I 'M OUT OF ESTROGEN
And I HAVE A GUN

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE
AND I KNOW HOW
TO USE IT

O F COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...
I DID IT RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME

D O NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN

A LL STRESSED OUT
AND NO ONE
TO CHOKE

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

Send this to your friends
and brighten their day!

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RECYCLED NA NAMAN

Last year, we started featuring the different municipalities of Camarines Norte. But after Daet, Vinzons, San Vicente and Paracale, we failed to sustain it. I'm now doing research on Capalonga so we can put it in the blog before it celebrates its town fiesta on May 13. By the way, our blog will be one year old on May 21!

How I wish we also have something original about Calaguas Island, like how to get there, where should one get the boat ride, how much would it cost, whatt provisions should be brought if one intends to stay overnight, are there stores in the island where one can buy canned goods, drinks, cigarettes, etc. There have been many visitors of our blog site in search for information about the island. It's the second search topic of our blog after the infamous socialite-columnist Malou Fernandez. So paging Alot who can probably interview Tiyo Remo para may orig tayo.

In the meantime, just read the recycled list and laugh a little. I know you've read this several times before. I think Alot was the last one who posted a similar list. This has some new additions though!

Gregorio Talahib =>George Bush
Macario Maldonado =>Mac Donald
Remegio Batungbacal => Remington Steel
Victoria Malihim => Victoria Secret
Bienvenido Jurado => Ben Hur
Juanito Lakarin => Johnny Walker
Federico Hagibis => Federal Express
Esteban Magtaka => Stevie Wonder
Jaime Bondoc => James Bond
Leon Mangubat => Tiger Woods
Burgos Bahag-Hari => Burger King
Kasimiro Bukaykay => Cashmere Bouquet
Maria Kalas => Mary Kay
Rogelio Dagdagan => Roger Moore
Topacio Mamaril => Top Gun
Restituto Pruto => Tutti Frutti
Samuel Tampipi => Sam Sonite
Francisco Portero => Frank Porter
Diosdado Durante => Deo Dorant
Roberto Controlado => Bert Control
Marcelo Controlado => Muscle Control
Carpio Llanes => Carpool Lanes
Ligaya Anonuevo => Happy New Year
Ligaya Almundo => Joy To The World
Eustacio Campana => Taco Bell
Julia Buboyog => Jollie Bee
Dionisio Manglupa => Disney Land
Dionisio Daigdig => Disney World

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More About Women

Since it's Women's Day, here are two posts about them. (With apologies if the humor is politically incorrect!)

The woman and her 3 wishes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
I said only male readers
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

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more

No Sex Tonight

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

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